3 Reasons to love your spouse more than your child.

1. Your child will receive more love when you love your spouse

With the entry of the child, the mother is filled with an immense amount of oxytocin, the love hormone.

In fact, research shows that this is what turns a mother into a “mom”.

This hormone is also produced in men which helps them to bond with the child. But unfortunately, the new mother feels an immense amount of pressure on herself to show love and care to the child that she often forgets that her husband exists.

Suddenly, her schedule is packed with feeding, cleaning and bathing. and at the end of it all, she is exhausted.

On the other hand, this is a difficult time for the husband as well.

Before the child came into the picture, he was the most important person to his wife.

And suddenly he is treated (many times unconsciously) as a second-class citizen in his own house.

He feels unwanted and this could bring up an unconscious hatred towards the child.

Of course, he can not show this openly and thus it comes out in many subtle ways. As a result, your child becomes emotionally malnourished.

2. Your child needs a peaceful environment to grow.

Many times couples complain that the marital disharmony started in their marriage after the arrival of the baby.

As mentioned earlier, when the baby arrives it takes the central place in the relationship.

In the hurry burry of giving the best to the child, the partners often forget that the other exists. While the child starts getting all the love, the partners feel malnourished.

And this leads to a rift in a marriage. The fights increase, partners treat each other as enemies.

Unfortunately, at times the child becomes the punching bag.

Whenever the husband gets upset with the wife and wants to hurt her, he hurts the child. The mother makes the child her ally and the husband the enemy and marriage takes an unwanted turn.

On a superficial level, you might find many reasons for this kind of behaviour from your spouse.

But at a deeper level, there’s only one reason, i.e. your spouse feels terribly unloved by you.

Please note that I am not saying, you don’t love him. Certainly, you do, that’s why you cook for him, wash his clothes etc.

But “he feels unloved” because you have given all your love to your child and you are exhausted.

So, if you really want the best for the child then you need to overtly express your love for your spouse.

  3. Your child is with you only for two decades.

Many times there’s a strange kind of phenomenon that is seen in middle-aged couples.

As soon as the child becomes an adult and leaves the family the couple thinks of divorce.

This is an indicator that they loved their child more than each other.

In those two decades while the child was with them they had a reason to be together but then as the child left home the couple lost the purpose of their marriage.

The intimacy that was put on hibernation for two decades can’t be rekindled overnight.

Thus it is very important to continue to love your spouse even after the birth of the child.

The great bit of advice is, “Take good care of your child but never love your child more than your spouse.”

  Easy ways to show to your spouse that you love him/her

If you think that loving your spouse is difficult after the birth of the child then you are wrong.

Two of the biggest questions our mind asks in relationships are, “Is she/he there for me?” “Do I matter to her/him?”

And if the answer is ‘yes’ then the mind calms down. If not it goes into a primal panic, a state of life or death situation.

The good news is that it is not very difficult to calm your spouse’s mind: a hug, a loving touch, a kiss, perhaps whispering, “thank you for being in my life”, in your partner’s ears, does the magic.

 Here are two quick tips to follow:

1. Allow him to be the father

As a new mother, the biggest thing that could be on your mind is protecting your child from all harm.

This is quite natural as you see this tiny creature as someone who is so delicate.

And whenever your spouse takes this child in his arms you might feel scared.

You might feel anxious about the way he is holding it. And you might start overly correcting him.

At these moments it is very important for you to control your protective motherly instinct.

It is important to correct him but at the same time be sensitive to his feelings.

Remember that more you trust him with the child, more he will feel confident and more close to the child.

 2. Give him the intimacy that he needs

You must have noticed that after the birth of the child you are nowhere in a mood for making love.

Your libido has gone down. And on the other hand, all that your spouse wants is sex.

You might ridicule him for it because it doesn’t make sense to you.

You might tell him to control himself and behave like a mature man.

 But what you don’t understand is that after the birth of the child the intimacy in your relationship has gone down.

And your spouse finds sex as the only way to feel that intimacy.

Sue Johnson, the inventor of “Emotionally Focused Therapy”, speaks about solace sex. Solace sex is when couples have sex only to prove to themselves that there’s some intimacy left in their relationships.

 So, remember to make him feel special. In the midst of your busy schedule make little time to consciously let him know that you love him.

Very often positive parenting is taught as a series of things you do or don’t do with the child. But many a times parents forget that positive parenting begins with being positive towards the spouse.

When the child sees his parents being romantic and loving towards each other, he/she not only feel secure but also feels loved and cared for.

Right there you have created a perfect role model for your child to follow.

P.S. Is it easy to show affection to your spouse after the birth of the child? Leave your comments in the comment box.