The Science Behind ‘Tit For Tat’ In Relationships
Share This Post
Why do we love when we are loved, and why do we hurt when we feel hurt?
Many decades ago, Cialdini, the author of the book ‘The Influence’, noticed an interesting phenomenon when he studied the Hare Krishnas in the U.S.
He said that in the late 1960s, they were struggling financially: their philosophy seemed strange to many Americans, so it was hard for them to raise money.
But then they hit on a solution. In airports (and other public places), they would give the people passing by what they described as a gift: a flower, a book and a magazine.
Then, after the person had the gift in their hand, they would ask for a small donation.
“You would see many of them with frowns on their faces reach into a pocket or a purse, come up with a dollar or two and then walk away angry at what had just occurred,” recalls Cialdini.
For years, he says, the Hare Krishna group raised millions of dollars this way.
What made these reluctant by-passers pay? What made them open their wallets to a total stranger? Well, this is ‘the law of reciprocity, a ‘tit for tat formula.’
What is the law of reciprocity?
This law clearly states, “We are obligated to give back to others, the form of behaviour that they have first given to us”.
“Essentially thou shall not take without giving in return.”
The rule, Cialdini says, is drilled into us as children and helped our societies survive through evolution.
In everyday life
If our neighbour gives us a special delicacy, we never return the container empty.
In the olden days, during weddings, we would write down in a book what a particular guest has given to give back.
If we give Diwali sweets to our neighbours, we can get cake during Christmas or any other occasion.
We are much more likely to help someone who helps us and hurt someone who hurts us.
In fact, in every aspect of life, the law of reciprocity is in play.
We are hard-wired to give back what we receive.
The world moves, and societies exist because of this law.
How is it connected to relationships?
In intimate relationships, this law applies even more and can make or break our relationship.
When our partner loves us, we feel an innate urge to love them, and when he criticizes us, we can’t control but tell them how they are wrong.
This law of reciprocity takes over our whole self.
Can we make use of this law?
Of course, you can use it in your intimate relationship.
But unfortunately, using it in your bedroom is not as simple as giving a full dabba of sweets to your neighbour during your festive season.
In relationships, the way we want to be loved varies according to our personality type.
Thus you cannot give someone what you want to receive in return.
And that is where most of us make a big mistake of giving to our spouse what we like, and we end up saying, “I have done so much for my spouse, but she/he is ungrateful.”
Men in our inner circle often say, “Why didn’t we learn Enneagram at the beginning of our marriage. If we did, maybe we could have avoided all this suffering.”
Understanding our partner’s personality type opens up the door to his/her inner world.
This way, we can provide the exact thing that our partner wants when he/she is stressed, angry, sad or happy.
When we do that, our partner will feel compelled to love us the way we want to be loved.
In our relationships, too, learning each other’s emotional needs has helped us.
A simple realization that Pallabi wants solitude when she is upset, and I need to connect when I am upset has helped us take care of each other just the way we want.
So don’t wait?
Find out today what your spouse wants to receive and give him/her that.
Indeed, you will receive in return the exact emotional goodie that you need in return.
The law of reciprocity will undoubtedly work in your favour.
What is the one thing that you learnt?
Write in the comments.
Learn The 3 Secrets To Win Your Wife Back
Other Resources
Share This Post
June 7, 2021 @ 7:59 pm
I felt many a times that I did try to do so much for my wife but she is not satisfied. I didn’t understand what exactly she wanted coz I didn’t understand her personality type . I really want to know her personality type. I want to know and learn Enneagram
June 10, 2021 @ 12:11 am
Ya… I Hav probably been speaking In English to a French woman all these days.
I need to learn French ( things that she wants me to do rather than doing wht I wish to)
June 10, 2021 @ 8:44 pm
Wow!
That’s a great analogy.
Well done for this insight.
November 11, 2023 @ 10:36 am
The law of reciprocity
Give- don’t just take.
Love is for sharing equally
November 15, 2023 @ 5:56 am
Very well said. You are absolutely right.
June 15, 2021 @ 6:39 am
We should give our partner what he/she want (like to have), not what we presume he/she may like to have.
June 15, 2021 @ 11:07 am
Very true Umesh.
June 18, 2021 @ 9:47 pm
understanding a Women is a BIG task,,, very Big Task… moreover when you know what she wants is not right for her. Still u need to do what she likes for the sake of saving the relationship.
Understand her and respond and try to learn the way she understand and in return you may also get benefited.
June 21, 2021 @ 12:02 am
At level 2 we focus on this.
So, you will learn how to understand her.
July 26, 2021 @ 2:07 am
If she is asking for final signatures in second motion the what to give??
August 6, 2021 @ 2:44 pm
The question is not what to do? The better question to ask is what’s the most loving thing to do?
September 23, 2021 @ 6:05 pm
I had hard presssed in my belief that all relationship depend on reciprocality. Unless one reciprocates the relation is non existant. I practiced the same with her. In our companionship marriage done in middle age. She took care of my children from my first spouse and me. I too made her feel that she is important so I financialy empowered her by investing huge terminal benefits in her name. Also sponsored expenses she made for ceremonies of her grandson born to her daughter whose father is her first spouse. But she wanted no money only love life not dry life. Since my sons left abroad. She felt the gap. We confronted each other. Now the via media my children werent there. All he’ll broke loose since then.
April 15, 2022 @ 2:13 pm
Great realisation! Identify her emotional needs and love her the way that she wants to be loved.
September 29, 2021 @ 11:33 pm
I have always listen to my spouse but we fight on some issue.
October 3, 2021 @ 6:56 pm
As you continue with the learning you will find the answers to your questions.
October 14, 2021 @ 7:40 am
Well the irony of it is She’s a very tit for tat person which I like to say I’m not and I’ve told her about it which now I feel I should’nt have .I have been very calm and quiet to maintain our relationship but it was of no use as she would find ways to intimidate me.You never are able to understand the other person in a short period of time and that is the main cause for what im going through.
November 11, 2021 @ 1:52 pm
I have felt many times that I did try to do something to make her happy but she is not, her happyness is only superficial.
Like a mask
I could not understand her personality type, I want to know it
How to learn Enneagram
November 24, 2021 @ 11:35 pm
This will be covered at the next level.
December 7, 2021 @ 7:22 am
most of the time even we are not sure exactly what we want from our partner , and instead we create some misconception in our mind. so first of all we should understand what is our need and then try to understand her need and then take next step with love.
December 23, 2021 @ 9:38 pm
Awesome insight.
Thank you for sharing
December 29, 2021 @ 6:58 pm
I tried in many ways to be good with her,but did not understand what she needed from me.I dont blame her cause there are issues with me also as I am Impatience.
March 21, 2022 @ 12:56 pm
A good point to start working on the relationship. Begin with yourself and you would be able to put yourself in her shoes.
Keep learning!
January 9, 2022 @ 4:16 pm
If we want to be loved or taken care of, we need to be the one to show the same amount of love and care, if not more, to our partner first.
We cannot expect to be loved without showing it first.
April 15, 2022 @ 2:08 pm
Awesome insight!
February 11, 2022 @ 12:46 pm
Dear Val Sir. Nice advice. But in my case I truely loving my wife but she took it as over care and now she is not getting connected with me. It seems she is still either in pain/grief/ She wants to do tit for tata to me. But I am still trying my best give love to her and get connected to her
March 21, 2022 @ 1:22 pm
Glad to know that you found my advice useful. Remember that you can get your wife out of Power Struggle stage only once you are in Mature Love Stage.
All the very best!
April 15, 2022 @ 1:57 pm
Loving her based on her emotional needs is important. All the best!
March 9, 2022 @ 10:35 pm
Most of the time she gives hint.. but we didn’t come to know… if we play mind game here then tit for tat is more valuable.. to get her know better in depth…
March 24, 2022 @ 11:01 am
Great insight!
Thanks for sharing.
March 20, 2022 @ 4:17 pm
Not sure where it went wrong. I had always tried to know what she wants and give her that except on very few occasions where it was too bad for her. We always go to the places she likes to dine – Chinese/Italian, supported her when she was facing issues professionally or personally.
All I can think of is some occasions where I asked her to spend carefully and save for future instead and she always wants gifts, new clothes etc.
March 24, 2022 @ 10:58 am
No one teaches how to be in a relationship.
Learning leads to awareness
Happy learning!
May 5, 2022 @ 5:07 pm
From this topic I understand that the personal ity type is different from me so I will try to give what does she want in this moment
May 6, 2022 @ 8:15 pm
Great learning.
All the best!
May 9, 2022 @ 12:57 pm
Irrespective of what ever mistakes which we both have made. I would like to take this as an opportunity to try & put the first stem from my end.
May 24, 2022 @ 8:11 pm
Happy to know! All the best!
May 16, 2022 @ 4:42 pm
Whenever we had a fight and during our fights we have always told each other’ U KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE MORE FOR THAN U HAVE DONE FOR ME IN LIFE’ tats what is a problem, i have realised one should not do that infact always try to understand others feelings and react accordingly which i did not when she said this i have always reacted opposite and started showing the things i have done for her rather than understanding and appreciating the fact its both ways . A Relationship is something in which one needs to understand each others feelings rather than reacting in TIT OR TAT way.
May 24, 2022 @ 8:09 pm
Awesome insight Himanshu!
June 27, 2022 @ 6:40 pm
TIT FOR TAT IN RELATIONSHIPS:
SO BEAUTIFULLY EXPLAINED..
NOW I TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT I DID NOT GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED..
ALL SHE NEEDED WAS MY FREQUENT EXPRESSION OF LOVE ( EMOTIONAL )…
AND ALL THIS WHILE I WAS EXPRESSING LOVE IN MY STYLE…BUYING HER CLOTHES, TAKING HER OUT FOR DINNERS, HOLIDAYS ETC ETC…..THINGS WHICH I GUESS DID NOT EMOTIONALLY CONNECT TO HER.
I WAS SO SO WRONG AND MY THIS MISTAKE HAS LED HER TO THINK THAT I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN MY LIFE.
THE LEARNING TODAY – GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT SHE NEEDS, AND IN RETURN U WILL GET WHAT U DESIRE.
ITS LIKE WATERING THE PLANT …DAY AFTER DAY….EVERYDAY…THE MORE REGULAR WE ARE , THE MORE STRONG OUR EMOTIONAL BOND WILL BE.
July 5, 2022 @ 2:23 pm
Amazing insight Deepak.
All the best in your journey of bringing back Love!
August 14, 2022 @ 4:19 pm
Learning how to give the return gift was a mistry before but not now thank to coach & Ennegram.
August 14, 2022 @ 7:59 pm
Glad to know that Vijay!
September 25, 2022 @ 4:22 pm
“Tit for tat” is something that I observed vividly in my relationship. She always dies tit for tat. While I do not do it. I told her to play as a team but all in vein.
October 6, 2022 @ 12:08 am
Yes VAL.. as you said, many a time, I used to feel that inspite of myself being loving and caring and affectionate towards her, why its not getting reciprocated by her ? Why, I am getting a raw deal ? I have found this situation many a time in my life .. Now, I realized that instead of loving her in the way she likes to be loved, I have been doing rather a kind of imposing my love, i.e., what I thik is love towards her, she needs to accept . and in that effort, I have failed. Not my love. has failed.
February 26, 2023 @ 9:01 am
I have heard her saying I am not at all understanding. Now I realized really that reciprocating is the key what they require needs to be provided. Emotional support is the main key.
March 6, 2023 @ 11:26 pm
Amazing insights Karan!
May 27, 2023 @ 5:10 pm
This is very true. I never understood my spouse and never applied the law of reciprocate. I have her things which she did not feel loved with . So now i want to apply this law in a better way
May 28, 2023 @ 8:24 pm
Good to know that Laxman. All the best!
July 5, 2023 @ 3:44 pm
I think the best thing to do is ask you wife what are your needs and what are you emotions . Tell me what will make you feel loved and what makes you angry .o
Most of the time we don’t open up the communication channel and live in a dilema and confused state of mind
July 13, 2023 @ 10:59 am
Great!
But rather than asking her need and emotions it’s always best to guess it and express your guess to her. That attempt of reflecting on her feelings and needs matters. Not whether you guess it right or wrong. Based on her personality type, your wife may expect you to identify her needs and asking them to her may not always work.
July 16, 2023 @ 10:21 pm
“Tit for tat” best plays well when both parties[here husband and wife] understand each other that they are in divine relationship and from each “tit for tat” incidents both parties understand each others’ strength, stamina and type of response/reaction. they each other learned lesson. If this is taken as positive way ,it is healthy for relationship this should be taken as individual improvement. But this should not go in wrong way like taking revenge in a harmful way.
But wife does not want to loose any argument by any chance, causing quarrelsome even she found to be wrong.
So to keep the relationship live , what man should do? does he say” Yes you are right” or keep arguing ?
July 25, 2023 @ 10:09 am
When you say “You are right” to your spouse, note that it is not what we do as a trick to calm her down or bring an end to the argument. Even in situations where you see the wife’s fault, it’s not wrong to say she is right. Because what you are answering are her emotions that stem from her emotions. And, thus, she is right in feeling those emotions and saying whatever she is saying ‘based’ on those emotions. So we say she is right, cos she really is. Once you reflect on her side and she feels understood, she would in turn reflect on your side and would realize mistakes at her end as well.
July 21, 2023 @ 4:53 pm
If I think about her side and do what she needs in the end, she feels satisfied. Only then can I get what I want.
July 25, 2023 @ 9:54 am
Great insight Prithvi!