How Not To Fix Your Relationship Problems
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Asha and Ramesh were married for six years.
And now they were on the verge of divorce.
Both of them had their own share of grievances.
Asha would say that her husband is a workaholic.
When asked, how you fixed this problem, she said, “I did everything possible from explaining to him how angry I feel to taking this matter to his parents.
But it only worsened the situation.” On the other hand, Ramesh said that he too is tired of her worrying nature.
“Whenever I am late she would call incessantly and disturb me during my meetings.” When asked how you fixed this, he replied saying, “I tried to drill logic into her but to no avail.”
This fictitious story might be your story as well.
When there’s a relationship problem we try to solve it.
What we don’t realize is that our very strategy might be aggravating the problem rather than solving it.
Here are three ways people generally try solving their relationship problems and how you can do it differently.
Fixing relationship problem like any other:
What do you do if the bulb in your house is not working?
You check the bulb, you check the wiring, find the fault and fix it. Can you do the same with relationships?
Well, you try to. When we think that the other person needs to change, we try to convince the person with our logic.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t resolve the problem but aggravates it.
When you want to correct someone you should begin working on your relationship with that person first.
Make it as safe as possible. When the other feels that you are not threatening him/her, he/she listens to what you have to say and reflects on it and probably changes his/her ways.
Looking at it from only your perspective
“Why doesn’t he/she understand me?” this is the most common complaint.
When we approach the other with this attitude, we many times make the situation worse because just like us the other person too wants to be understood.
So the best way is to state the problem, share your struggles surrounding it and then to listen to his/her part of the story.
This helps in making the person feel understood.
In fact ‘being understood’ is one of the greatest feelings one could have.
Not understanding the other’s personality
Most often we get confused when the other person doesn’t think like us, and in our confusion, we try to convince the other that their way of thinking is totally wrong.
This only leads to arguments and ultimately to a rift that can never be repaired.
The truth of the matter is that your personality and his/her personality is totally different.
The people with different personality types think, feel and act differently.
Unfortunately, none of your education has taught you to understand the person you live with.
Well, if you have the will there are many ways to understand someone beyond their behaviour, and learning ‘Enneagram’, a personality profiling tool is one of them.
Attending workshops which teach you Enneagram can make a world of a difference to your relationship.
Of all the problems that we have in our lives, relationship problems are undoubtedly the most difficult ones to solve.
It is not because they are complicated but because nobody has taught us the science of relationships.
When we learn this science from different sources, we can truly bring about a transformation in our relationships and we better do it at the earliest.
After all, those whom we love are with us for a limited amount of time and it is not worth spending the precious moments of our lives in fighting.
This blog is first published in daijiworldweekly the only English Weekly of Karnataka.
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June 7, 2021 @ 8:05 pm
True time is very limited and I have to take extraordinary efforts for restoring my relationship with my wife
June 10, 2021 @ 2:31 pm
Ya…
I quite often say to people…”I understand “
But do I really mean it…?
Nice insight.
June 10, 2021 @ 8:46 pm
Yes. Food for thought.
Last time I was doing a session for a corporate house on the topic of losing a loved one due to covid. At the end someone who had lost her husband and the child is 3 weeks old asked me a question. And I started by saying, “I understand how you feel…” Then I realised that I don’t understand her pain and I told her honestly I don’t understand the pain you are going through.
You are right.
October 28, 2021 @ 11:28 pm
Knowing how a person feels would require a bit of imagination. When thinking about things from my wifes perspective as a man who wants solutions I often tried diagnosing and solving them. In my mind anyone offering a solution is showing caring. She of course took it as criticism and felt uncared for. It is better to demonstrate at least the attempt at caring first and foremost by saying I understand, I believe that helps alleviate doubt.
November 24, 2021 @ 11:36 pm
Well said.
June 13, 2022 @ 11:12 am
Each one has their own personality,way of thinking, feeling and act differently.
When arising a relationship problem it should be resolved by communicating.
To make a change in other person it should begin from oneself otherwise it would not work. Similarly find time to discuss the problem and situation and understand eachother and brings to a apt solution acceptable for both.
In our case if there arise a relationship problem , first it should be communicated to the spouse.Then only it comes to a discussion .In most of the cases I get it know it lately from relatives and friends.
June 14, 2022 @ 9:28 am
Awesome insight Francis.
Great learnings!
July 19, 2021 @ 1:22 am
Again learning more from U..
Will try religiously to apply in my relationship..
Regards..
July 19, 2021 @ 2:40 pm
I am really glad Irfan. Creating an awesome marriage is a process. So, stick to the process.
July 26, 2021 @ 2:12 am
Precious time is running day by day..how long can we keep patience??
August 6, 2021 @ 2:43 pm
The most important thing to remember is that our marriage doesn’t end with divorce, it actually ends the day we are emotionally disconnected.
If you can bring that connection you once had divorce can’t stop you from coming back.
July 29, 2021 @ 9:44 pm
in this blog i understood what mistake i did in future i realy thing on that.
July 30, 2021 @ 12:38 am
Awesome. Appreciate you for realizing the mistakes.
All the best.
August 29, 2021 @ 5:43 pm
It takes a lot of effort to understand but we should do it. Sometimes it is difficult to drill down. Constantly i have tried many times but i get hurting reply.
But that is part of anger. Now i realize.
August 29, 2021 @ 7:43 pm
True.
October 14, 2021 @ 7:48 am
Everytime she said we should talk I would say well we are talking now and so whats different?I realize that we should have opened up our displeasures and sorted out the issues
October 19, 2021 @ 8:20 pm
Great insight. Thank you for sharing.
December 29, 2021 @ 7:06 pm
We do not focus on understanding point of view of other person but just demand which makes secnario worst.
March 21, 2022 @ 12:57 pm
Awesome insight!
Thanks for sharing.
January 7, 2022 @ 3:40 pm
Got to know the problem but still unable to find the solution oit of it. Trying to figure it out.
March 21, 2022 @ 12:59 pm
Happy to know your will to identify the issues. Awareness can only come through learning the science of relationships.
Good luck!
February 11, 2022 @ 12:54 pm
Very true. I am following the process of learning relationship science and trying my best to fix it. I am now waiting for great results from past 2 years still my wife is not getting connected with me. But I never left my hope.
March 21, 2022 @ 2:21 pm
Happy to see the spirit of ‘not giving up’!
Thanks for sharing!
April 15, 2022 @ 1:56 pm
Good to know that you haven’t lost hope. Consistency is the key!
March 9, 2022 @ 12:57 am
We should talk to her timely.. how much we are workaholic… we should opened up..
Thank U…
March 24, 2022 @ 11:02 am
Good realisation.
Thanks for sharing.
May 31, 2022 @ 8:56 pm
We are a group of volunteers and opening a brand new scheme in our community. Your web site offered us with useful information to work on. You have performed a formidable task and our whole community might be thankful to you.
June 2, 2022 @ 12:51 pm
Happy to know that. Thanks!
September 12, 2022 @ 11:48 pm
Expectations are the starting point for all conflicts. We expect others to understand us but often ignore the fact that are we putting effort into understanding them. When they don’t live up to our set expectations we go into a denial mode of not living to their expectations, resulting in forcing a relationship rather than fixing it.
October 28, 2022 @ 11:04 pm
Great insight Karthik!
October 6, 2022 @ 12:14 am
Absolutely mind blowing. When, we do not find even our five fingers not equal in length, size or shape, then how can we afford to think, people of the world, they can be even my own wife, to be of same personality, I am. and have the same likes, dislikes, etc, that I have !!! This mistake I have been doing for long since marriage and of course in the beginning she has been somewhat tolerant over my indifferent attitude reg. her personality varying from that of mine and still I do not realize that and have been approaching her. That has taken our relationship to this level of disaster. No longer that any more. i shall study the Enneagram and understand her type and adopt the right kind of approach in having a relationship with her.
December 9, 2022 @ 5:30 am
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December 14, 2022 @ 11:45 pm
Glad to know that!
Please attend the masterclass. Link is shared in the video.
December 10, 2022 @ 3:09 am
Please provide me with additional details on the matter
December 14, 2022 @ 11:46 pm
Please attend the masterclass. The link is shared in the video.
December 10, 2022 @ 3:34 pm
Thank you for your excellent articles. Would you be able to help me out?
December 14, 2022 @ 11:46 pm
Sure!
Please attend the masterclass. The link is shared in the video.
December 10, 2022 @ 10:28 pm
I really enjoyed reading your post and it helped me a lot
December 14, 2022 @ 11:46 pm
Glad to know!
December 11, 2022 @ 12:03 am
I would like to know more about this subject if you don’t mind.
December 14, 2022 @ 11:46 pm
Sure!
Please attend the masterclass. The link is shared in the video.
December 12, 2022 @ 3:14 am
Dude these articles have been great. Thank you for helping me.
December 14, 2022 @ 11:42 pm
You are welcome!
December 12, 2022 @ 11:29 am
May I have further information on the topic?
December 14, 2022 @ 11:42 pm
Sure!
Please attend the masterclass. Link shared in the video!
December 13, 2022 @ 4:15 am
You’ve been a big help to me. Thank you!
December 14, 2022 @ 11:40 pm
Glad to know this!
December 13, 2022 @ 6:16 am
Thank you for writing about this topic. Your post really helped me and I hope it can help others too.
December 14, 2022 @ 11:40 pm
Glad to know that!
December 21, 2022 @ 4:29 am
You’ve been a big help to me. Thank you!
March 11, 2023 @ 12:52 pm
Glad to know that Steve!
July 5, 2023 @ 3:58 pm
Time is our greatest enemy and loosing time in relationship is bad. Need to work and think differently . Soch badlo to biwi badalti hai .
July 13, 2023 @ 10:56 am
Good insight Abhi!