Is it true that our mind really cheats us in relationships?
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Is it true that our mind really cheats us in relationships?
What made Romeo – Juliet, Laila – Majnu, Heer – Ranja give up their lives?
You might say it’s love; but, what if it is anything but love?
People cheat in relationships.
But are you aware that your mind cheats you more than anybody ever can?
Love, care, concern, hatred and revenge might appear very logical or emotional in relationships, but what if I tell you that they are not at all rational or emotional?
They are the result of your mind blindly following the laws laid down by evolution.
Our mind is programmed to think in specific ways in certain situations.
This kind of thinking began as a survival mechanism.
But today, our mind gets onto an autopilot mode, and we remain spectators to the way it makes us dance.
- Here are 3 of the laws that our mind blindly follows: how they impact our relationships and how we can use them for our benefit.
Law of reciprocation:
This law says that when someone does something nice for us, we have a deep-rooted psychological urge to do something nice in return.
We give sweets at our festivals because they have given us at theirs.
This returning favour is in-built in us.
We might justify our action, but our mind manipulates us at the end of the day.
In relationships: In relationships, the law of reciprocation refers to how the behaviour of one person influences and is influenced by the behaviour of the other person and vice versa.
It is the dance of interaction where love is returned with love, and hurt is bartered for hurt.
If this is the case, then why your partner does not acknowledges your love?
It’s because you give him what ‘you want to receive and not what he wants.
If you can understand his/her emotional needs by learning the tools such as Enneagram, you will be able to love precisely the way he wants. And he will undoubtedly return the favour.
Law of scarcity:
Romeo-Juliet, Laila – Majnu, Heer – Ranja: are they eternal lovers or bluffed by their minds?
When there’s opposition to the marriage, the couple feels all the more convinced of getting married.
They are even willing to sacrifice their life. And then when parents relent and allow them, or they elope and get married, gradually there comes a rift in their relationship, and at times in anger, they might exclaim, “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life”.
Where did the sacrificing love disappear?
What is scarce is attractive. When something is lacking, the value of that particular thing goes up.
The same happens in relationships.
When we cannot get a person or realize that the person will go away in a short while, the value of that person goes up.
That’s why our mind perceives that person as invaluable, and we would like to have him/her at any cost.
The question we can reflect on is, “How to use this law for our benefit?”
Bluff your mind: create a pattern of absence and presence
All relationships require a kind of distance between people.
It is not just your presence that contributes to enriching your relationship but also your absence.
Your presence makes your loved one feel secure, but you become familiar with too much of it. On the other hand, absence inflames and excites by stimulating your loved one’s imagination if used at the right moment.
Withdrawing from your partner and spending some time in quiet can also help you bring a paradigm shift towards your spouse and enhance your relationship.
The enemy creation:
What do you do if you want to unite India?
Either you play a cricket match with Pakistan or go for a war with them.
This principle is called enemy creation.
When two people have a common enemy, they bond faster than in any other situation.
This enemy creation is how the survival mechanism of our brain works.
The mind of a couple plays the same trick when the family is against love marriage.
The couple suddenly finds an artificial sense of unity that may not have existed before, and unfortunately, it lasts till the wedding.
After the marriage, without the external foe, their closeness dissolves, and they often unconsciously find the enemy within each other.
Tricking the mind for relationship benefit:
It seems that we often unconsciously would like to have an enemy in our lives.
At times the existence of this enemy gives us the energy to do things that we never thought we could. Unfortunately, often than not, our mind finds that enemy in our spouse.
Just being aware of this illusion can alleviate a great deal of relationship suffering.
We, as a couple, can also find an enemy to unite against.
The addition of one partner can be the common enemy of both.
Instead of criticizing the addicted partner, one can stand by him/her as he/she fights against that bad habit.
This unity can help him/her overcome the struggle and develop an unbreakable bond of love.
Whether you believe it or not, every person, including your spouse, is a beautiful human being.
But they are caught in a whirlwind of lies created by the mind.
It is essential to be aware that it is not very easy to detect these lies.
But when we become aware of the games our mind plays, we can become relationship intelligent.
After all, we don’t have our spouse for eternity.
Earlier, we realize this, better it is for us and our relationship.
- Share what you think about what you just read in the comments section.
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May 30, 2021 @ 11:32 pm
Well I agree completely that mind does play a lot of games with our emotions. But regarding the enemy thing, what if it’s a real person and that enemy is trying to disrupt our family. How to deal with such situations and people
May 30, 2021 @ 11:46 pm
Thanks for the comment.
I understand your thoughts.
This thought is again one more trick of the brain. Once you go through the whole learning you will understand better. All the best.
November 11, 2021 @ 1:40 pm
Very rightly written
” It’s because you give him what ‘you want to receive and not what he wants”
We need to understand what our partner wants.
How to find that common enemy? Enemy is our problem, but she wants separation only..when I ask wil that make u happy, she says no, but being in marriage also wil not make Happy, due to fights and all.
I am not able to convince her
November 24, 2021 @ 11:35 pm
Thank you for sharing. You can never convince your wife.
February 11, 2022 @ 9:49 am
Dear Val Sir, Currently my marriage is in same situation from past 2years and Mind cheats in relationships. I am standing by her side and working on my awesome marriage.
Waiting for reconnection and grate results
March 21, 2022 @ 1:18 pm
Good to know that.
Patience is the key.
Keep learning.
Connection would happen only once she gets to experience the new you.
Good luck!
May 31, 2021 @ 4:05 am
Mind plays tricks to overcome what situation you are into. you need to use it for our benefits and not your benefits.
thats why am in this course.
thanks
May 31, 2021 @ 2:33 pm
Yes, the Mind plays tricks. Thank you for sharing.
I will see you at the Monday Meetup this evening.
June 10, 2021 @ 12:02 am
Ya… finding a common enemy to fight against can b a good way to unite.But finding that common enemy could be difficult.
Also could u suggest whether a common goal/objective/hobby would work better here or the common enemy??
June 10, 2021 @ 8:43 pm
Great question. A common goal or hobby can help but nothing like a common enemy. In our hub we had few men who got united with their spouse when the spouse fell sick. How? Sickness became their common enemy. And that united them. Thanks for your question.
July 4, 2021 @ 9:42 pm
this is great stuff indeed i am really amazed going through this blog again , relationships require a kind of distance between people as we always be stayed together i could never value her.
July 12, 2021 @ 11:33 pm
Thank you. Glad that you found it useful
August 6, 2021 @ 2:09 pm
I found this topic interesting. The reality is that we give what we want and we receive what we give. So I think in every relationship it exists. It’s a great idea that fighting against a common enemy really boosts the relationship.
August 6, 2021 @ 2:42 pm
I am glad that you liked this. All the best to you.
July 4, 2021 @ 9:54 pm
as we are in pss we r unable to suceed in our profession as we both work together, can my attention towards next level be c the common enemy.
July 26, 2021 @ 2:00 am
We dont have enemy so how to create one?
August 6, 2021 @ 2:46 pm
Great question. The first step is to stop considering each other enemies and consider the problem as the enemy. It could divorce, no understanding etc. And then talk by saying “we” rather than “you” and “me”
September 23, 2021 @ 7:06 pm
Human mind is exemplary and ecstatic. It has no limits. By leaps and bounds it can take positions that are googly in particularly refering to women’s mind. Women thy mind is fickle. So what they say and what they do is reading a googly. The anecdotes suggested are wonderful we need to do a little bit of research to implement. Val is there for guidance.
April 15, 2022 @ 2:11 pm
All the best!
February 9, 2022 @ 1:39 pm
I do agree and find it interesting on how our mind cheats in relationships. But, to create a deeper impact, I feel these kind of exercises of ‘enemy creation’ etc, would be just teasers of trailer kind of things. But, in the long run, it is going to be TRUST and ONLY TRUST that is going to create a permanent impact and togetherness between married couples.
March 21, 2022 @ 1:07 pm
Great insight!
And there is a structured and powerful way to build TRUST!
March 9, 2022 @ 10:25 pm
Interesting topic mind play a game of enemies many of the time… it has to detect by partner
March 24, 2022 @ 11:02 am
Great realisation!
Keep learning
April 18, 2022 @ 6:22 pm
Right here is the perfect webpage for everyone who would like to understand this topic. You understand a whole lot its almost tough to argue with you (not that I really will need toÖHaHa). You certainly put a fresh spin on a subject that has been discussed for a long time. Wonderful stuff, just excellent!
April 22, 2022 @ 9:57 am
Happy to know that you found the stuff I shared as useful!
May 2, 2022 @ 7:33 am
I totally agree with this ” It’s because you give him what ‘you want to receive and not what he wants”. It’s like Newton’s third law what we give and in return the same things reciprocates to us. But I also believed if a person truly loves someone it doesn’t matter what or how you receive from the opposite person all you think is giving unconditional love. Now I feel is there anything like “unconditional love”. I am just tired of making her understand how life is short to love each other.
June 10, 2022 @ 11:30 am
Hi Akshay. I totally understand how you feel when she does not want to understand.
To be honest trying to explain to her could be the worst thing. Please attend my upcoming masterclass and I will help you understand. You can sign up at http://www.coachval.co
May 4, 2022 @ 6:20 pm
Me also find my mind is only cheat on my relationship
May 6, 2022 @ 8:17 pm
Our mind would keep cheating us. Good realization. All the best!
May 5, 2022 @ 5:06 am
Never Ever give up: Even though you fail initially; Do not handle it to get a great deal of views at first, do yourself a favour, dont give up.
May 6, 2022 @ 8:16 pm
Happy to see the commitment in working towards an awesome marriage defined by mature love.
May 23, 2022 @ 7:17 am
Hello, after reading this amazing post i am
also cheerful to share my knowledge here with colleagues.
May 24, 2022 @ 8:09 pm
Great to know!
May 27, 2022 @ 11:24 pm
When we cannot get a person or realize that the person will go away in a short while, the value of that person goes up.
May 31, 2022 @ 2:40 pm
Good insight!
May 31, 2022 @ 3:01 pm
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June 2, 2022 @ 12:53 pm
I am glad to know you found it worth bookmarking.
June 25, 2022 @ 4:31 am
As per our inputs, mind play his own game.
Give different perceptions wich don’t have any link to the topic.
Mind always Make us sad for the things which we don’t have.
July 5, 2022 @ 2:23 pm
Great insight!
July 1, 2022 @ 1:27 pm
Life is not a story where dialogues are written for both the partners, however you try as much as u remain calm for 10-15 days and ignoring all the non sense according to your thought process. One day when you say something against her, things become the same way. On that day one can not imagine the frustration level. You are correct in a way that one can try and can improve themselves only. But believe me it is really very very difficult. In a way your whole process although concentrates on self improvement, but someway you are giving the clean chit to all the women spouses like they are semi god and males are responsible for everything and she has no responsibility. May be i have just started my course and my thought process is like this. But yes i want to improve my relationship 🙁
July 5, 2022 @ 2:21 pm
“Why is nurturing a relationship man’s responsibility?
Someone asked me this few days ago.
And shared my thoughts on this and now I am sharing them with you.
If you do a study on all the miserable marriages in the world you will find one thing in common.
And that is most of the people who end up in separation and divorce ask this question.
And the very fact that they ask these questions leads to a miserable marriage.
How?
Because when we ask these questions we pass on the responsibility of our marriage to our partner.
We take a higher position then our partners.
The research that is done in the last 30 years on thousands of couples prove that this mindsets are the very things that ruin marriages.
Now!
Here’s the good news for anyone who wants to have a great marriage.
All that you have to do is learn relationship science, implement it in your marriage and you will see the transformation.
Hundreds of men are already doing it.
Attend the upcoming masterclass to know more.
July 3, 2022 @ 11:55 pm
Love between each other is more important than anything else
July 5, 2022 @ 2:18 pm
Love dissolves all problems.
Thanks for sharing!
July 3, 2022 @ 11:59 pm
Yes our mind plays a important role but I feel love is what which is more important than anything else between two people which existed before
July 5, 2022 @ 2:17 pm
Thanks for sharing!
September 25, 2022 @ 4:14 pm
Enneagram. I would want to explore more about this to learn her emotional needs.
October 28, 2022 @ 11:03 pm
Happy to know your willingness to learn!
October 5, 2022 @ 11:59 pm
I agree VAl, to what you have said. .. As our mind cheats are there to make us assume some unexisting liberties and take our wife as granted. Also, if there is a common challenge / not even an enemy, I have found myself and my wife have joined together in opposing that enemy. In the absence of any such challenge / enemy, We both have fought.
February 16, 2023 @ 2:02 pm
Yes and agreed, minds cheats in the relationships and we often finding fault with spouse, instead of supporting her, for fun i used tease her along with her/my relatives and friends.
Even though she supports hard for the family, used to tease her. After going this blog, i understood there are lot of mistakes from my side and should not repeat it again. I was too busy in my work, forget to recognize and appreciate her sacrifice thinking that she remain with me all the time.
Got it mind actually played the game in relationship.
February 19, 2023 @ 12:18 am
Awesome realizations Nandakumar.
All the best at growing back the old connection with your wife.
May 15, 2023 @ 9:32 pm
The above knowledge session like law of reciprocation, scarcity, bluff of mind, common enemy were all great tips and knowledge which helps us how to maneuver in our relationship and keep it intact by using these tips.
May 16, 2023 @ 2:15 pm
I am glad to know that you found it useful Manjunath!
June 8, 2023 @ 9:50 am
Thank you for sharing this information, after reading this I understood that the hate within our marriage is due to the wrong thought that our minds has and if I can understand how to change that thought along with love will change ever thing in the marriage for a better life and happy marriage.
June 8, 2023 @ 10:09 am
Amazing insight Ivan!
July 5, 2023 @ 3:29 pm
Thanks for the wonderful and insightful learning .I have a question here. If the mind cheats the couple , then what’s the best approach to fix in this situation . Can we take timeout together and go for vacation or look for some common enemy
July 18, 2023 @ 9:09 pm
Great learnings on how our mind cheats to us.
Law of reciprocation “It is the dance of interaction where love is returned with love, and hurt is bartered for hurt” is so insightful.
Law of scarcity: Yes, we often take a person for granted and when that person goes away from us, we understand the value of that person and start missing them badly.
Our spouses are all beautiful human beings. Becoming aware of how our mind is playing game with us, avoiding criticism/defensiveness and loving her like a hero can truly lead to a great married life.
July 25, 2023 @ 9:56 am
Great insights and a perfect approach to follow Debasis. All the best in your Hero’s journey!