Are You Being A Critical Parent To Your Spouse
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Are you being a critical parent to your spouse?
We marry as adults but soon enough we get into a parent-child relationship.
And that is normal.
We can’t be that logical, heady, objective adult all the time and there’s nothing wrong with switching roles once in a while.
But many a time instead of becoming ‘nurturing parents’ to our spouses, we turn into critical parents.
What begins as a way of helping the other to improve himself/herself, for the so-called greater good of the family, soon turns into a unhealthy, unequal relationship.
Here are three indicators to check whether you have become that critical parent to your spouse.
- You constantly remind him/her
There’s a constant fear in you that he/she will forget and so you remind all the time.
It is just like the parent checking on the child who is ready to go to school.
Your fears are genuine because last time you asked him to get tomatoes and he forgot and you had to do your cooking without them or you had asked her to pay that car insurance and it slipped out of her mind and you had to pay a hefty penalty for it.
Maybe constantly reminding him/her will make sure that he/she will not forget the next time. But it will turn it into a parent-child relationship and unfortunately, he/she is going to forget even more because anyways you always remind him/her.
You will remind him/her even more because he/she always forgets. Soon you will be in a vicious cycle.
- You are in charge of almost everything
This is the second indicator that you are parenting your spouse.
This generally happens after the entry of a child.
Being the primary caregiver you, the wife, start mothering everyone including your husband.
Though your husband might like it once in a while, soon it will only reduce him to the size of your child.
As a father, husband too can get into a similar pattern of carrying the whole world on his head.
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- You are critical of him/her
This is a great indicator that you have turned into a critical parent. It all starts with you seeing him/her being careless, irresponsible and casual about things.
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With the intention of setting things right, you start correcting him/her.
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This, unfortunately, doesn’t help. It only brings out the rebellious child in your spouse.
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“I have turned into a critical parent, please help me.”
Here are two ways you can turn the tables around.
- Calm down.
What is more important to you: the right size of onions or your relationship with your spouse?
A tidy home or the peace in your house?
You have just become aware of your tendency to parent your spouse.
So, no matter what happens don’t get back to it.
Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down when something that generally upsets you happens.
This way you will be able to think and respond instead of reacting.
- Be gentle when your spouse makes mistakes.
There’s no vulnerable moment as a one when we falter.
At these moments we feel lesser than what we are. Whether we tell others how we feel or not, deep down we want the most significant person in our life to hold us tight.
So, when he/she makes a mistake the next time, tell him/her that “it’s ok” and that you love him/her just the way he/she is.
You can do all the corrections later and when you do reprimand be gentle with your tone and body language.
And certainly, he/she will listen to what you got to say.
The way we behave depends largely on the relationship we share with a person that we are with.
It is not the tag the world gives to our relationship that dominates our behaviour, it is the type of interaction we have with each other.
Thus, when you stop being the critical parent to your spouse certainly he/she will stop being that rebellious child and once again your relationship will be a bond of love.
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June 7, 2021 @ 8:10 pm
I was seriously being a critical parent to my wife . I did all the three mistakes and I seriously realize now where things started going wrong. The law of compounding effects
June 20, 2021 @ 1:15 pm
My biggest mistake is this I started correcting her again n again.. She has become rebellious.. and i thought she is not listening to me and is disrespecting me. I will change my self.. definitely
June 21, 2021 @ 12:01 am
Awesome Ritesh. Proud of you. It takes courage to look within.
September 20, 2021 @ 10:03 pm
I was seriously being a critical parent to my wife. I did all the three mistakes and i seriously realize now where things started going wrong. The law of compounding effects.
April 15, 2022 @ 2:16 pm
Great realisation!
February 11, 2022 @ 1:14 pm
I did become a critical patent to my wife. But later calmy explained her smoothly about fixing errors. But still she is not getting connected with me she became rebell. Dear Val I actively need your kind counseling to fix my critical stage of marriage. I wanted to make it awesome
March 21, 2022 @ 2:24 pm
Connection can be restored not by fixing errors but rather by bringing back love into the relationship.
When partners feel loved, all problems dissolve.
All the best!
April 15, 2022 @ 1:55 pm
The focus should not be on fixing errors. And yes I am always there to help!
June 3, 2022 @ 9:41 pm
Perfect work you have done, this internet site is really cool with superb information.
June 8, 2022 @ 2:12 pm
I am glad you liked it
October 6, 2022 @ 12:19 am
Yes.. Both of us have played the role of a parent – child in our marital relationship. She has many a time, reminded me of small chores to be done, grocery and other things to be purchased and even reprimanded. On the same time, I too ( may be doing tit for tat, I do not know) have played the role of a strict parent, admonishing her for small things, which I knew well and she did not know. This kind of things we have had in our marital relationship so far. May be without our knowledge too some kind of unpleasantness this would have taken us in longer time.
May 27, 2023 @ 5:33 pm
I can resonate my self with this critical parenting. I used to talk to her as if making her realize her mistakes as a child saying that even I learnt things the hard way and the fact that she also needs to get up herself dust yourself and move on with the work
May 28, 2023 @ 8:25 pm
Great realization Laxman!